What am I doing wrong? Am I not good enough? Wait, no. Why am I questioning myself? I am at this point in my life where I have noticed that I am just existing, or at least I feel that way. I know that I’ve accomplished a lot and will be traveling to Rome just next week but still I feel like I haven’t changed much or progressed much within these past few years. I’ve had a lot of losses and they do weigh heavily on me at times but should that be an excuse for feeling the way I do? Being the way that I am? I don’t know. No excuses, right? I think I’ve spent my college years with the wrong set of people. Don’t get me wrong, I love each of the people I’ve encountered and shared these four years with but we are each entirely different and share few similar interests, even fewer of which I hold dear to me. I know we have all heard the saying, “surround yourself with like minded individuals and people you aspire to be like” but I’ve never been inclined to abide by that. We can become reflections of our friends and I, personally, am sensitive to peoples energies and emotions. Who I am at this very moment has inadvertently become molded into someone I am unfamiliar with (even my taste in music has changed and unfortunately not for the better 😀 ). Yet even with that knowledge I chose to ignore what I’ve been conditioned to do. Though I realize now that I should have taken heed to that suggestion four years ago however I won’t wallow in regret, not every change was lamentable.
Yet when I reflect on all of the things I could have done and where my peers are in their artistic careers, I know that I have had the same opportunities but failed to take advantage of them. I became uninspired, apathetic, and unmotivated to take risks and grow. It’s not that I didn’t have the talent because it’s there and was evident my freshman year and moments throughout. However, I was losing the drive to develop myself as an artist not only because I didn’t surround myself with other passionate creatives but also because I gave up on myself. Other people believe(d) in me but I did not, and that is a loss in itself. Therefore the blame is mine and mine only. It’s not too late for me though, I’m slowly but surely regaining my drive and passion for things I once loved. Hopefully, I can become the imaginative, whimsical, and musically-inclined person I was four years ago… We shall see.
Peace, love, and light. 🙂