Holidays, birthdays, and other important dates can be quite difficult when you’ve lost your parent but mother’s day and father’s day are much different. While everyone around me is celebrating their mom and showering them with love and gifts, I am still grieving the loss of mine. I was hoping this time would be different, I was hoping I’d accept it by now. But I haven’t. I am still angry, I am still sad, I am still hurt beyond measure. I know she didn’t plan to leave me so soon but why? It was all so sudden. Frankly, this weekend sucks and it’s extremely difficult not to crawl under my blankets and wallow in sadness but she probably wouldn’t want me to do that. It’s been a year, one month, and eight days since my mommy passed away and not a day has went by where I haven’t thought of her. Not one. I’ve mentioned this in a previous post, but for me remembering her or looking at photos meant remembering she’s no longer here and that’s tough. Unfortunately my memory has been fading and that’s why it’s so important to remember the moments I’ve shared with her.
Losing a parent is an extremely difficult event to process. Especially losing a mom and being a young woman myself. I can’t call her and get answers to any of the questions I have about being a woman or all of the important moments in my life I can’t share with her. I won’t hear her laugh again nor will I ever be graced with such a beautiful smile again and it sucks. It’s so weird because the day I found out my mom passed away I was panicking and immediately all I was thinking was I could no longer give her everything she wanted or deserved. What hurt me the most was the fact that I couldn’t give her grandchildren. She wanted to be a grandmother so badly and if I were able to have any they’ll never get a chance to meet her.
I was really hoping this mother’s day would be easier even though it’s been only a year. But for some reason it seems to be worse, I keep having flashbacks of the day I found out she died and that week until her funeral and it’s so overwhelming. Maybe, I should just accept that holidays will be tough for a while… My birthday is coming this month and I wish I could skip that day too. I wish I could offer some top-tier advice on how to navigate mother’s day when you’re without your mama but all I can say is to cherish the memories and be around your family, sometimes the presence of others can help with the hurt. Honor her by remembering her and the time you spent with her, both the good and the bad. If you still have your mom in your life don’t take her for granted and please SHOW her how much you love her every single day because not a day is promised to us in this life. You don’t want anyone you love to leave you and all you have is a heart filled with regret.
My mom was truly a beautiful soul, sometimes I was the worst but she never stopped loving me and I could never repay her for all that she’s sacrificed for my siblings and I. She was like fire and rain, she could set you ablaze and heal you all in the same moment. She had such a huge personality and deserved SO MUCH more than the crap she had to experience in her life. I wish I could have taken all of her hurt and suffering and made it my own because she deserved more. She deserved so much love and she deserved to be happy. To know my mother was to love her and I am beyond lucky to have been able to have her as my mom for almost twenty-one years. I don’t know where I’m going but I hope wherever I end up that you’ll be there right by my side. I love you mommy, to the moon and back. <3
Happy Mother’s day to all of the moms and to all of us without our moms, just remember that our moms will always live on in our hearts and memories & that’s something not even death can take away from us. I love you guys!
Peace, love, and light. <3